New and Improved Effects Pedals for Musicians

 

Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem longer. Can also be achieved by ineptitude.

Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that the  audience thinks it was the bass player.

Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.

Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.

Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.

Fluff box:: Filters out excessive musical substance.

Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and forever.

Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."

Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.

Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.

Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by injecting them with nerve toxins.

                                                                                Submitted by:  Heather Pierson

 

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 Actual Titles of 'Country' Songs . . . yee-haw y'all

 

 1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure

 2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?

 3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed

 4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye

 5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling

 6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

 7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

 8 . I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't

      Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal

 9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You

 10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well

 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better

 12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

 13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

 14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

 15. Please Bypass this Heart?

 16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

 17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)

 18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him

 19. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You

 20. When I Get Through With Him, He'll Be Livin' Outta His Car (...if he still has a car)

                                                                     Submitted by Jared Bristol

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CHRISTMAS CAROLS... FOR THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD

 

SCHIZOPHRENIA:  Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:  We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA:  I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

NARCISSISTIC:  Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC:  Deck the Hall ans Wall and House and Lawn and Streets and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID:  Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

PERSONALITY DISORDER:  You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

DEPRESSION:  Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE:  Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle

Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, .......(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE:  On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me.......and then took it all away.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY:  Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire

                                                     Submitted by the webmaster

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What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?

Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

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What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone?

"Well... I didn't wake up this mornin'..."

                                     Submitted by:   Peter Carrier                                                    

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Windows Error Messages (webmaster:  "why I use a Mac")

 

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for

the latest Windows operating system:

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4. Close your eyes and press escape three times.

5. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

6. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

7. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

11. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

15. User Error: Replace user.

16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

 

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Alternate Guitar Tunings:

 

DADEE:  fathers of small children

FABDAD:  World's greatest Dad

CABGAB:  talkative taxi driver

DEADED:  Greatful Dead tuning

ABCDEF:  file clerk

BAABAA:  shepherd

BADFED:  corrupt FBI agent

BEEFEE:  weight lifter                             submitted by S. Montalvo

 

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What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?    Counterpoint.

How long does it take to tune a 12 string?   Nobody knows.

What are the two most common guitarist lies?   1.  I am not too loud.   2.  I already turned it down.

What is the difference between an onion and a banjo?   Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.

In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to change a light source?   One to actually do it and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were. 

 

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Beyond the Bass Clef:  The Life and Art of Bass Playing:

 

In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz--nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...definitely pre-C.B.S.

 

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

 

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful "sunburst" red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.)

And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

 

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.

 

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"

 

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard this--how could He miss it? And lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the

man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."

 

And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

 

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of. And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer.

 

"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass.

 

"And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say, 'Wow,' but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you

want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night. And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."

 

And it was so.

  Submitted by: Tony Levin

 

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IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY

 

    And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed.  But Iwant you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of

living thing on the earth.

    Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."  In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.  "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

    Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping.  "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

    "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes.

    I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.  Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning

commission.

    Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.  However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

    The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the

Ark, but still no owls.

    When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.  Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I

could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of

the universe.

    Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

    Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am Practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.

    The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed

to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."

    Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.

    I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years ", Noah wailed.

 

    The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

 

    Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"

 

    "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

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    At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO):   "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"

 

1.  For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice daily.

2.  Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have  to buy a new car.

3.  Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,

in which case  you would have to reinstall the engine.

4.  Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT".  But then you would have to buy more seats.

5.  Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

6.  The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.

7.  New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.

8.  The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).

9.  Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them.  Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50%  or more.  Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by  the Justice department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

           Submitted by:  Mim Allen