New and Improved Effects Pedals for Musicians
Time distortion: Makes guitar solos seem
Can also be achieved by ineptitude.
Blame shifter: Shifts the pitch of mistakes down one octave so that the audience thinks it was the bass player.
Depander: Filters out popular cover songs.
Overjive: Makes Hootie songs sound like Parliament.
Active pickups: Amplifies "signals" sent to attractive audience members.
Fluff box:: Filters out excessive musical substance.
Rehash: Stores and plays back your favorite riffs constantly and forever.
Feedback Eliminator: Drowns out "constructive criticism."
Band Pass Filter: Eliminates sexual advances between band members.
Depressor: Changes any chord to E minor.
Paralytic Equalizer: Makes you as good as other guitarists by injecting them with nerve toxins.
Submitted by: Heather Pierson
Actual Titles of 'Country' Songs . . . yee-haw y'all
1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8 . I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't
Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this Heart?
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying Over You
20. When I Get Through With Him, He'll Be Livin' Outta His Car (...if he still has a car)
Submitted by Jared Bristol
CHRISTMAS CAROLS... FOR THE PSYCHIATRIC WARD
SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER: We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas
NARCISSISTIC: Hark The Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC: Deck the Hall ans Wall and House and Lawn and Streets and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why.
DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE: Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingel Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, .......(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me.......and then took it all away.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY: Thoughts Of Roasting On An Open Fire
Submitted by the webmaster
What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
What does it say on a blues singer's
"Well... I didn't wake up this mornin'..."
Submitted by: Peter Carrier
Submitted by: Tom Meacham
Windows Error Messages
The following are new Windows messages that are under
the latest Windows operating system:
1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
5. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
6. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
7. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
8. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
11. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
12. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
13. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
14. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
15. User Error: Replace user.
16. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Alternate Guitar Tunings:
DADEE: fathers of small children
FABDAD: World's greatest Dad
CABGAB: talkative taxi driver
DEADED: Greatful Dead tuning
ABCDEF: file clerk
BADFED: corrupt FBI agent
BEEFEE: weight lifter submitted by S. Montalvo
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? Counterpoint.
How long does it take to tune a 12 string? Nobody knows.
What are the two most common guitarist lies? 1. I am not too loud. 2. I already turned it down.
What is the difference between an onion and a banjo? Nobody cries when you cut up a banjo.
In the 22nd century, how many guitarists will it take to change a light source? One to actually do it and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.
Beyond the Bass Clef: The Life and Art of Bass Playing:
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz--nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old ...definitely pre-C.B.S.
And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.
lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful "sunburst" red,
and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang
the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came
And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.
Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, "Go man, go." And it was good.
And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens. And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased. And He spoke to the man, saying "Don't do that!"
the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new
that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the
shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of
Angels started to dance, but that's another story.) And God heard
could He miss it? And lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the
man, and He said, "Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts."
And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it. But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.
Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man. And He said, "O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of. And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall make you to always stand next to the drummer.
"You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass.
for all the days of man, your curse shall be this; that all the other
shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes. And if you play
too high or fast all the other musicians shall say, 'Wow,' but really
shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo
and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if
want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night. And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink."
it was so.
Submitted by: Tony Levin
IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one
I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until
flesh is destroyed. But Iwant you to save the righteous people
two of every kind of
living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes.
I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning
Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I
could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of
Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am Practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard.
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years ", Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to.
government already has."
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO): "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart,
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
4. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.
6. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by one "general car default" warning light.
7. New seats would force everyone to have the same size bottom.
8. The airbag system would say ("Are you sure?" before going off).
9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
Submitted by: Mim Allen
Mason & Hamlin